Have you ever tweeted with such dedication and furor that you reached a higher plane? That the world fell away and you were left with the impression that, through a series of carefully crafted @'s and acronyms, you could express life's true wonder? I have, courtesy a stage full of drag queens performing Amanda Bynes' Internet breakdown/meta-world breakthrough on Friday night.
Today, Amanda Bynes called RuPaul ugly and she may have gotten another nose job. Go ahead and don't read up on the situation if you have no idea who Amanda Bynes is because as she's fond of telling us, EVERYTHING YOU NEED TO KNOW YOU CAN READ ON TWITTER and below are my tweets from that magical Friday night. <!--break-->Thanks to Lady Bear, Ben McCoy, Joshua Grannel, D'Arcy Drollinger, and Martha T. Lipton for pinpointing the voice of 2013 with the week-of creation of "The Bynes Monologues", and to Rebel for having a $5 frozen TV dinner special. Even if I'm sure absolutely no one ordered one that night, the tangibility of such a thing was a nice contrast to the high Internet muckery that was to occur.
Commencing @amandabynes#bynesmonologues tweet storm. Hey bb hmu
— TheREALbyrdwatch (@caitlindonohue) June 1, 2013
Omg @amandabynes look how hot Ben McCoy as you is #bynesmonologuestwitter.com/caitlindonohue…
— TheREALbyrdwatch (@caitlindonohue) June 1, 2013
I've never done a live tweet review of something but this seems like a socially appropriate time to start
— TheREALbyrdwatch (@caitlindonohue) June 1, 2013
It did really seem like a breakthrough -- I futz with my iPhone in inappropriate situations (editor's meetings, breakups) that being given carte blanche by the qweens to really. Get. Into. It. In an attempt to grab Bynes' attention with a #bynesmonologue hashtag barrage felt like freedom. In fact, I had been texting at my late +1 as they told us we could tweet so I felt good from the get.
Being an actress isn't as fun as it may seem #bynesmonologues
— TheREALbyrdwatch (@caitlindonohue) June 1, 2013
That's a direct tweet. Bynes is a goddamn genius, batshit or no. "The Bynes Monologues" really only highlighted that fact.
Just explained what a #fronter was to the guy in front of me #bynesmonologues
— TheREALbyrdwatch (@caitlindonohue) June 1, 2013
Pssh, really?
"They're, like, fronting" = definition of a fronter #bynesmonologues
— TheREALbyrdwatch (@caitlindonohue) June 1, 2013
@caitlindonohue Tell me. Yes, really. #fronter#bynesmonologues
— Mark O'Connor (@LemonSeltzer) June 1, 2013
I can't tell if dude was upset or not... But I supplied more information just in case he wasn't.
@lemonseltzer study material: (song) Pharrell feat. Jay-Z "Frontin'"
— TheREALbyrdwatch (@caitlindonohue) June 1, 2013
Lol that's my tweet onscreen ! @amandabynes I'm proud of us #bynesmonologues
— TheREALbyrdwatch (@caitlindonohue) June 1, 2013
At this point I became enraptured by an additional feature of "The Bynes Monologues" -- a projection screen behind the actors that scrolled through all the #bynesmonologues mentions whipping through the Internet-air around us.
Ahhh @gurlwhereyouat now your tweet is on screen! It's like you're here! #bynesmonologues
— TheREALbyrdwatch (@caitlindonohue) June 1, 2013
My +1 never showed up, but we soon realized it didn't matter, given the projection screen.
Now everyone's just tweeting about their tweets being onscreen #worstbestpartyideaever#bynesmonologues
— TheREALbyrdwatch (@caitlindonohue) June 1, 2013
@caitlindonohue I feel like I'm there #oneofus#bynesmonologues
— kelly lovemonster (@gurlwhereyouat) June 1, 2013
@gurlwhereyouat I need wigs, so many
— TheREALbyrdwatch (@caitlindonohue) June 1, 2013
WHAT IS LADY BEAR'S TWITTER UGH
— TheREALbyrdwatch (@caitlindonohue) June 1, 2013
The "thoughts on Drake" section is the crowd killer #murdermyvagina#bynesmonologues @amandabynes
— TheREALbyrdwatch (@caitlindonohue) June 1, 2013
Amanda <3's Drake. "Murder my vagina" is but one quote I am blessed to remember from my consistently attentive social media participation during the evening.
I'm reaching some kind of higher plane here #bynesmonologues
— TheREALbyrdwatch (@caitlindonohue) June 1, 2013
I was too rapt, even, to get another drink. I didn't want to dull my thumb agility by a single reference to how ugly Rihanna is.
This performance is so meta. It's like I'm a part of the performance. Am I Amanda Bynes? #bynesmonologues
— kelly lovemonster (@gurlwhereyouat) June 1, 2013
Okay I'm not sad anymore. I'm sad. Not sad. YES bong story
— TheREALbyrdwatch (@caitlindonohue) June 1, 2013
But then it struck me. Were we making fun of someone with a mental illness? I think the queens were rehashing Bynes' Twitter tiff with John Legend's girlfriend here. Sure, the audience seemed to be very Team Amanda, but did the girl have a drug problem that was a problem? Was the Nickelodeon star getting famous in any constructive way by the endless rounds of fire between her and Perez Hilton? Should we all just... look away?
But then the thing about her throwing a bong out her window (pretty sure it was an actual botte of Ciroc) happened and I gave up trying to understand.
RT @gurlwhereyouat: @caitlindonohue I feel like Im there #oneofus (YOU ARE HERE#bynesmonologues
— Bynes Monologues (@bynesmonologues) June 1, 2013
I swear that the @bynesmonologues Twitter handle was created during the event itself.
@bynesmonologues I wanna spin the shot wheel @amandabynes#bynesmonologues don't believe any reports
— TheREALbyrdwatch (@caitlindonohue) June 1, 2013
All reason has been lost.
Do I need a lawyer? @amandabynes @bynesmonologues
— TheREALbyrdwatch (@caitlindonohue) June 1, 2013
If Bynes is crazy for tweeting too much, and about crazy things, what the hell am I? At the end of all this multiple tabbing, endless tagging, structuring of our lives around TwitPic photo ops, will we need semi-truck sized vans to ferry us to filled up mental hospitals?
@amandabynes hey Amanda but really @sfbg wants an interview, hmu caitlin @sfbg.com <3 ;) (O_o)-------------<3 #bynesmonologues
— TheREALbyrdwatch (@caitlindonohue) June 1, 2013
The evening over, I scrolled through Bynes' feed, only to find that her last tweet was a plea to the media to contact her directly for the real story. Dammit Amanda email me please.
Last one I swear @amandabynes @bynesmonologuestwitter.com/caitlindonohue…
— TheREALbyrdwatch (@caitlindonohue) June 1, 2013
The meta-ness all got to be a bit too much and I felt the need to create my own matrix. The next morning, once the fog had cleared, I was excited to not have completely wrecked my follower count.
Happy/surprised that the #bynesmonologues @bynesmonologues only cost me one (net) follower. Love you remaining guys
— TheREALbyrdwatch (@caitlindonohue) June 1, 2013
Of course, I was hardly the evening's real winner. Bynes failed to tweet at "The Bynes Monologues", but our power was acknowledged indirectly.
@amandabynes I'm officially blocked by Amanda. Thank you #bynesmonologues!!!
— Jayson Frisk Jaynes (@friske) June 1, 2013